Impact
by snuggleUP
Summary: It was a long day and you are tired, driving back to the hotel. It is raining, dark and you just want to be in your cozy bed. But sometimes life is a b!tch. - Dramatic story from JJ's POV. It started as a one-shot and now there is more! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey, this is my next story, I know there is another sequel open to write, but I had the idea for this story in my head for some time now. I wanted it to write, so I did. I don't know yet if it is a one shot, it started as one, but you never know ;) So have fun, and please please review! Maybe there will be a next chapter then. – I do not own criminal minds!**

The trees are passing by, you look deep into the wood, that seems grim and somber. The rain is splashing against the windshield of the car. The visibility is bad, it is already after 11 p.m. and Hotch steers the SUV through the darkness. The silence in the car is expression of the tiredness of you two. It has been a really long day and you are glad that you don't have to drive. Only one lonely car passed by in the last 30 minutes. You have to be in the middle of nowhere, you think. You lean your head against the headrest, close your eyes and sigh.

The case is already annoying you, the interview with this so called "important" witness, turned out to be a waste of time. Not that it was almost to unnecessary to drive there, it took nearly half of the day. Now you are on your way back to the hotel. The others are already there, they called it a day some time ago.

The last 10 minutes of your ride were real bumpy. It became stormy outside and some squalls hit your car from time to time. You are really grateful not to drive, you think again and you are almost asleep when you hear Hotch breathing out heavily. You open your eyes and look at him.

"Everything alright?" You ask.

"A deer just passed right in front of us. It was close."

You watch him, as he returns your look shortly and frowns. You rise your eyebrows and just manage to say, "Oh". He just nods and continues his gaze on the street. You follow his gaze, but after that everything happens too fast. As you see what is in front of you, you only bring out: "Watch out!" Hotch yanks the steering wheel around, the SUV is sliding uncontrolled over the street, but you just see the object approaching too fast. You manage to hold your arms up in front of your face, trying to protect you from the impact. And then everything is going dark.

###

Wet. Cold. You hear it raining. What the...You try to focus. Okay, open your eyes! What happened? As you try to open your eyes you feel the cold water running over your face. The first thing you see are branches. Many of them, actually. You are in some kind of weird position. You are obviously sitting in the SUV, leaning against the frame of the door and in front of you the windshield is pierced through with thick branches.

And then it comes to you. You were in the SUV with Hotch, driving some lonely street through the woods on your way to the hotel. And then... Hotch! You try to move your head, but feel instantly a sharp pain running through your head. You squeeze your eyes shut and grit your teeth. Instinctive you move your hand to your head, but you sense, something doesn't feel right. As your stomach muscles contract to breath through the pain you have an odd feeling. Slowly you manage to move your head and try to look down on your body. You gasp. More pain rushes through your body. Nausea is growing. There is a thick branch sticking in your body, right through the windshield into your body. Great. You try to calm down as far as the view you are having allows it. And then it hits you again, Hotch!

"Hotch?" You try to manage.

"Hotch?"

It is exhausting. You start to shiver, it is cold and wet and dark.

"Hotch?"

With a sharp pain and some white flash in front of your eyes, squeezing them shut again, you manage to turn your head. You gasp again, feeling your whole body aching at that movement.

Slowly you open your eyes again and you try to make out Hotch's form in the dark. There are a lot of leafs and branches in the cockpit, buried under them leaning on the steering wheel, Hotch.

He is unconscious. Carefully you raise your left arm and try to reach Hotch's body. But you can't reach him, it is too far. With your body leaning against the right door frame, pinned by a ridiculous thick branch of a damn tree that is lying on the SUV, you are not able to reach Hotch. Slowly you begin to sense the situation. Fear is rising inside you. Panic. You are in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night. Who is going to find you? Phone. Your phone. 'Yes sure the phone, I can't even reach Hotch.' But suddenly you hear a moan from the other side. Hotch's side.

"Hotch?"

Another moan.

"HOTCH!"

That hurt. You squeeze your eyes shut again, grit your teeth and move your arm to your body. Then you recognize your other arm. You can't feel it. You didn't even look to the side of the door frame. You see the door is crushed into your side. Into your side of the body. And it takes a moment that you begin to understand, you are conscious, yet. The only thing that holds you upright is adrenaline. You turn your head under the now familiar pain to Hotch. He has managed to lift his arm to his head.

"Hotch?"

"Mmmhhm."

"Wake up Hotch!"

You eagerly watch him regain consciousness.

"Common!"

He try to rise from the steering wheel with his face distorted with pain. His whole face is covered with blood. Slowly he opens his eyes and tries to take in his surroundings.

"JJ?"

"Yeah, I'm here Hotch."

You feel yourself getting really exhausted. The rain is still pouring down and it is freezing cold. You are still shivering, your lip is trembling. After a moment, Hotch seems to have gathered himself.

Groaning, he is turning to you.

"JJ, are you alright?"

You hesitate to answer.

"JJ?"

He tries to move some of the branches.

"Hotch..."

"JJ, are you ok?"

"No, Hotch."

After he cleared his sight to you from branches, shock is written all over his face.

"JJ..."

He swallows, but at the same time something must hit him. He also squeezes his eyes and gasp, as he holds his left side.

"Hotch? Are you alright?" 

"Yes, I'm fine."

He hisses through his teeth and pauses, trying to breath the pain away. Hotch is always ok, even when he just got hit by a tree, you think and you have to smile mentally. His hair is wet from the rain, when you notice the whole roof is gone. Half of the tree seems to be inside the car and the roof is crushed backwards from another thick branch. The rain is pouring down through the leafs and branches on you. Hotch begins to search his pockets.

"JJ do you have phone reception?"

"I can't get my phone Hotch."

"Alright."

You feel he is in survival mode, controlled, calm. It soothes you. It seems like an eternity since the crash, but it must be only a couple of minutes. Finally you hear the beeping from Hotch's phone.

You lean your head back in the original position, you are tired. You know you can't sleep now. You try to concentrate on Hotch.

"I don't have any reception, JJ."

You close your eyes for a brief moment. Your eyes are burning, maybe you are crying, but you can't tell because of the rain that is pouring down on you.

"Hotch."

"What is it JJ?"

"I don't know how long I can hold on."

You don't see him, but you can feel him being sick of worry.

"Hold on I'm trying to get to you."

You hear him groaning, when he moves around on his seat. Obviously trying to get rid of the seat belt. Another thick branch is blocking the direct way from the driver side to you. In the corner of your eyes, you try to make out the movement in the darkness. You are shivering badly, you already becoming hypothermic. Hotch is struggling to open his door. It seems to be wedged. Suddenly you hear Hotch roar followed by a thump and crash.

"Hotch?"

Hotch is breathing heavily and moaning in pain, as far as you can tell. You manage to turn your head, but the pain is almost unbearable, you have to stop and gasp. Your eyes shut, you wait until the first spike of pain is over. You try to calm your breathing, because it hurts badly. But you sense you can't calm down your breathing. It is labored now. The constant weird feeling in your stomach, where the branch impaled you, is now accompanied by pain. And it is rising into your chest. What makes the breathing difficult.

"Hotch?"

The rain is almost too loud, to hear anything from Hotch and the storm is still blowing over you. You feel the warm of your tears mixing with the raindrops on your cheek. You close your eyes again. Trying to manage the panic, that is now surrounding you. Then you hear movement behind you, Hotch apparently climbed some how on the back seat.

"I'm right behind you JJ."

"Thank god..."

You let out a sigh in relief. You blink several times. Hotch manages to get rid of most of the branches, that are blocking the space between you two. He is leaning over to you, assessing how you are doing. As his face is close to yours, you let out a scared chuckle and smile at him. Blinking your tears and the rain away.

"I'm screwed Hotch."

"JJ..." 

He looks over your body, examines every part and finally meets your eyes again. He takes your left hand and is carefully squeezing it.

"Hold on JJ, please, you are strong, you are going to make it. I will trying to reach Garcia."

You sniff and nod slightly, smiling anxiously. While he is getting back behind your seat, he is wincing in pain and suppressing a moan. You hear him getting outside the car again. Closing your eyes, you sigh. But another sharp pain is radiating through your body. Breath, just breath, slow and easy, you say to yourself.

"JJ? I finally got reception!"

Your eyes fly open and for the first time being in this situation, you feel hope. You eagerly try to hear some of what Hotch is saying outside the car.

"Garcia? …. crash... on the SUV... JJ...yeah... what?... Garcia? …..llo? …you hear... Garcia?"

The rain has taken over the surrounding sounds. You hope with every fiber of your body, that he was successful. It has to be. You don't want to die here, outside, in the dark, cold and wet nature.

"Hotch?"

"Yeah JJ, hold on a second."

He is now working on to your window, that is actually broken, but the tree branches are everywhere. Finally he gets a view and space to lean through the window and gets in touch with you. With a calm soothing voice, Hotch speaks to you.

"I was able to contact Garcia, JJ, the connection was really bad. But I'm sure she understood the facts. We were disconnected in the middle of the call, though."

He pauses and looks deep into your eyes.

"JJ, help is on the way, you have to hold on, ok?"

You can only smile and nod, while you are slowly blinking your tears away. You are really tired now and your breathing is shallow. He carefully strokes your cheek.

"Let me see what your injuries are."

"Well I got in touch with a tree!"

You snort, but your faint smile fades, when you taste blood in your mouth. Hotch notices your sudden change in of your face.

"What?"

"I can taste blood."

He frowns and goes on with his examination.

"What is with your right arm? Can you move it?"

"No. I can't even feel it since I woke up."

"Does your head hurt?"

"Oh yeah, everytime I try to move it, I want to pass out."

"Hold on a second I'll be right back."

"No, don't go Hotch please. I'm scared."

He switches his gaze between your eyes.

"I'm not going to leave you JJ. I need a flash light, it is too dark. I'll be right back."

Before you can insist, he is out of your sight. You close your eyes again and you begin to sob, crying utterly. The sobs are turning in gasps and your lung hurts like hell. You are feeling that you are deteriorating, at least definitely mentally. You don't want anymore. You just want to sleep and stop this miserable situation. Don't want to freeze anymore, no more pain, no more damn branch in your body. Just stop, please, you think.

"JJ?"

Hotch is breaking your thoughts. You slowly open your eyes and have to adjust them to the light.

"Ok JJ, at least I remember we don't have to wait that long for help, we were not too far from the city, where our hotel is. So they must arrive soon, if Garcia got our position."

You see his breath through the light of the flash light, while the rain is also clearly shown, how it still pours down on you. You nod at him, slowly blinking, aware that it is getting more difficult to hold your eyes open. He must have noticed it.

"JJ."

"Hm?"

"I know you are tired, but you have to stay awake ok?"

"Hmm."

You swallow and you feel your body getting weaker, as you lay limp against the door frame.

"Ok, JJ, how is your breathing?"

"Crappy. It hurts like hell and I can't breath through anymore."

"What is about your legs?"

Your legs. Oh god. You didn't even think about them. You were too busy with all your other injuries. But honestly, you start to don't care anymore.

"I don't know Hotch."

"Can you feel them?"

"It's so cold Hotch, I want to sleep."

Somehow you know, you are irrational, but you don't care anymore. The tiredness is overwhelming now.

"JJ, common, stay awake!"

"I don't want anymore, Hotch."

"I know JJ, but you have to hold on! You have to hold on for Henry!"

Your eyes slowly open again. Henry... Your mind is running crazy right now. 'What if I don't make it.' Suddenly the panic is in your gut again. 'I can't let him left alone.' You are trying to shift. But you are hit by another radiating pain, as you are even crying out, your eyes squeezed shut. Your left hand is searching for hold. You begin to hyperventilate. The pain is too much.

"JJ, slowly, I know it is hard, but try to breath even and regular. In... and … out...In and … out. Nice and easy!"

You try to focus on Hotch's words, but you feel yourself getting tired again.

"JJ, open your eyes again, so I can check on you."

You hear Hotch's words, but it takes all of your energy to focus, you are feeling dizzy, slowly you open your eyes again. You try to focus on the light. You notice Hotch is shifting, so that you can see him better, he is leaning into the car. He takes your left hand and squeezes it.

"There you go, JJ!"

The shivering already got into a normal feeling for you. But the cold is still overwhelming and you struggle to hold your eyes open.

"JJ, when we are back home, I will come over with Jack and the boys can play soccer."

"Mmmh."

"We can make some barbeque and beer. There will be sunshine and it will be warm. Do you like that?"

"Ss...sounds...great...Hotch."

You feel Hotch stroking your cheek again, as your eyes are closing again.

"Common, JJ, hold on!"

"'m too … tired...Hotch."

You feel, as he is shifting and moving back out of the window. That catches your attention a little bit and you manage to open your eyes again.

"JJ, they are coming, help is coming, hold on!"

"Hmmm."

You don't notice, as Hotch disappears from your window. You can hear the sirens and see some flashing lights in the distance. But your eyes lids are too heavy, as your eyes close again.

#

The next thing you notice is some distant voices. Some muffled sounds are getting to you. Then a voice is calling your name, followed by a touch on your shoulder.

"JJ?"

You try to open your eyes, but you fail.

"JJ! Common open your eyes for me!"

A gently shaking on your shoulder pushes you more awake and you manage to open your eyes.

The bright light is stinging in your eyes and you have to blink several times to adjust them.

"There you go JJ. The paramedics are here to take care of you ok?"

You are too numb to say anything. Too tired. You start to blink, the eyes falling close again.

"Hey there I'm Matt, I'm a paramedic and will treat you, alright?"

Already, you are on the way to unconsciousness again. Drifting in your dizzy feeling, like everything is rotating around you, light headed, you feel hands on you. Something is wrapped around your neck. The pain is only a dull ache and you don't care anymore. You just want to sleep.

"JJ! Open your eyes for me please!"

The voice of the paramedic is ripping you out of your drifting. Your mind is focused on the world around you. Opening your eyes slowly, you can make out, that there is a busy working all around you and the car. People are swarming all around the crash side, as it seems. Sounds are making their way to you, but the man in front of you moves into your sight.

"JJ, we will give you something for the pain, soon, ok? The fire rescue is going to cut you free from the branch, so that we are able to move you. And it seems, we have to crack open the door, too, to get you out of there."

Too much words. You can't follow him. Behind you and next to you, it seems from all sides, people are trying to get into a position to help you. Another paramedic is now right by your left side and is starting to assess your injuries. You didn't notice, that your eyes are closed again, too tired to even care about that. The sounds begin to drift away again. But you feel how the men are working on you. Something is stuck in your hand and followed by that you feel something warm flows in your arm. Voices and other sounds are mixed up, you can't differ anymore between them. You are eagerly waiting to drift complete into unconsciousness.

"JJ?"

Someone is calling your name. You feel an oxygenmask over your face, as you notice that you are barely taking proper breaths anymore. But it feels so much better. The pain in your chest is now overwhelming. What started as a weird feeling in your stomach, radiated and rose up into your chest. Suddenly you feel how something is thrown over you, a blanket? You hear the voices are getting louder, commands are shouted. And then a horrible pain sends jolts through your body and your eyes fly open, as the noise of a chainsaw cuts through the night. You start to hyperventilate, try to get in control of the pain. You feel your chest tighten. Voices are shouting at you, but you are not able to recognize them.

"Jeeez, give her more, what were you thinking Mike?"

"JJ? I'm here, shhhhh try to calm down. Easy..."

You feel Hotch present, you can hear him. It soothes you, it always has. But right now your body doesn't let you calm down. Your chest feels like someone is sitting on it, like it got hit by a truck. You cannot breath. It is not hyperventilation anymore. You simply cannot breath. Finally the stressing sound of the chainsaw is over, but the sounds are still mixed up, like one unit.

"JJ? Try to take deep breaths."

It is annoying, you feel the panic rise, while next to you, someone gives you smart advises.

"Matt, I think she is in breathing distress, her oxygen level is dropping. There has to be something more injured. Maybe her lung collapsed, we have to intubate her soon. I'll give her more morphine for the pain now."

Your eyes are closed again, trying to minimize the sensation you are getting right now. The voices are becoming distant again, you feel your mind is drifting away, finally. You don't care anymore about breathing or pain. Hands are now all over you. It keeps you away from the eagerly-awaited unconsciousness. Air... you can sense, that you went out of it. You feel a jerk going through the car and you can feel how your body is stabilized as you slowly slide on a board, where the door was before. You think you have to suffocate and you are too dizzy to do anything about it. You are lifted on the board, it is a weird sensation, your whole world is rotating, you cannot tell where you are, until you are being slowly set down on something comfortable.

"Ok nice and easy, she has to be immobilized. Mike get the head."

You can make out what the people are saying around you. The paramedics are strapping something around your body, you feel how you are getting more connected to the board, your head is wrapped with stripes too. The rain is now rinsing over your face. The new sensation lets your mind becomes more awake. But you feel too dizzy to get fully awake, your lung burns, the lack of oxygen is now overwhelming. You begin to heave your chest, to get some more air.

"Lets get her in the ambulance, out of the rain, we have to intubate her soon, oxygen is getting critical. Move, move."

Your body is panicking, but your eyes are still closed, wanting to drift away, but at the same time fear throttles your throat, you are barely breathing. Your chest still heaving, you feel the underground moving and rumble.

"JJ?"

Someone calls your name. You feel the rain has stopped, the moving too, but the dizziness and the rotating sensation are still there.

"JJ?"

"Sir, I don't think she can respond anymore, we think a lung is collapsed, she went in breathing distress, when the fire rescue was cutting the branches. She is out. We have to intubate her now."

'Hotch? Oh stay with me please' you are now aware, it was him calling out for you. You want to open your eyes so badly, but you feel your whole body is like being pulled downwards. You are limp. You feel the hands of the paramedics touching you, working on you. As your jaw gets pulled down roughly you feel metal connect with your mouth. You don't care anymore. You want it to just end. Suddenly something is slipping down your throat, you want to choke, but your body doesn't respond anymore.

"I'm in, can you check please."

"Sure."

"Ok...damnit, right side is not ventilated."

"What's with the left?"

"Hold on...yeah, not nice but ok. We have to get her out of here. This is nothing we can treat here. Lets go, the rest I can manage while you drive."

Air, you feel finally a relief of the tighten feeling in your chest. But you don't know exactly how you are. 'Am I unconscious? Then why can I hear them talking' you wonder. You feel a hand connecting to your left.

"How is she?"

"Uhm, sir, her lungs are damaged, one is collapsed completely, it isn't even to be ventilated. I have to check her through now, I didn't have time for that before. After that I can tell you more."

"Do you think she will make it?"

"Sir, I really can't tell you. She has to be rushed to the hospital ASAP. Her condition is life threatening. That is what I can tell you."

The hand on yours is stroking it gently. You feel your wet clothes being removed from your upper body. The hands are touching you all over again, something is attached to you chest and a beeping sound joins the sirens, that you can hear. The dizziness and the rotation are gone, but you still feel limp and heavy lying, like something pulls you even further down. You cannot move anything. You try to open your eyes, but you can't move even one muscle. You still feel the thick branch, stuck inside your upper abdomen and you are aware of the tube in your throat.

"Damn, she is still freezing cold. Body temperature is 87.5°."

"Hey Matt, keep her that way, lets do a prolonged therapeutic hypothermia for her brain injury."

"Yeah, you are right, good call Mike."

"How is she doing anyway?"

"You should hurry Mike, BP is really crappy and I'm not satisfied with her oxygen. It's in the lower nineties."

"Alright, I hear ya."

You have no idea what they were talking about, but you feel it isn't good. Your body is a wreck. You are crushed everywhere. The pain is a dull ache and you feeling, what seems to be Matt, how you are being examined by his hands. Suddenly you feel something weird in your right chest, a pain begins to sting and all of a sudden it stops again. But what happens after that, lets the panic rise again, that was still subtle welling inside you. You hate that feeling that is now very present. Air, no , you cannot... No! You cannot breath, you feel like your drowning inside. Not again. You want to fight, to struggle, but your body doesn't respond. Panic. Utter panic is all over you.

"Oh no!"

"What is happening?"

You hear an alarm going off and are sensing that the panic went over to the paramedic, who is next to you.

"Tell me what is going on!"

"Sir, please, let me work!"

Something was disconnected from the tube in your throat as you feel a warm liquid run over your face, down to your neck. 'Hotch! Please! Help me! Please...' You want to choke, struggle, you would do anything to be able to get some air in your lungs.

"No, no, no... c'mon kiddo!"

The paramedic is holding your cheek as you hear a gurgling sound, a suction pump.

"What is happening back there Matt?"

"She is bleeding through the ET tube."

"Oh shit."

"Hurry up, man!"

"ETA 5 minutes!"

And then you sense a darkness, slowly growing around you. The sensation of suffocating ebbs away. You are feeling you can relax and you want to, it is a need, you cannot hold on anymore. You want to let go. And so you do. Darkness.

**TBC (?)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Ok here we go, I had so much fun writing this story, that I continued. I still don't know where this will be heading, but maybe that is a good thing. Thank you for your reviews! Please keep on going to review, I'm glad about every single reader of that story! Enjoy!**

Warm and cozy. Free of pain and fear. The sensations you feel let you relax more. Silence is surrounding you. You let it happen. But something doesn't feel right. In the distance, very far away, you can make out some sounds. You can't tell what it is. The odd feeling disturbs you, because you want peace, you are still exhausted from the fight. The warm and cozy feeling ebbs away, you are starting to freeze. No... you don't want that cold and tensed state anymore... no...please...But then the sounds become more sensible. There are voices and noise, swelling to you.

A jolt runs through your body and suddenly you can sense everything you don't want to. You feel how someone is pressing on your chest, crazy beeping and commands make their way to your mind. You feel hands on you, you can't even count and determinate where they touch you all over again. The familiar feeling of suffocating joins you and the panic follows right away.

"Another round of epi, Glenn order more bags of 0 negative. What is the monitor saying?"

"After the last shot she is still in cardiac arrest."

"Ok keep going, how is the pressure?"

"60/40"

"That's good, how is the bleeding?"

"Still going, about 500 in the suction and the ventilation is still miserable"

"Alright, Kate hurry up with the chest tube over there. Chuck take over CPR."

You barely understand what they are talking. You feel how something is shoved into your right side, it is an odd feeling. But somehow you sense a relief in your chest, even though another one is still pressing on it.

"Alright chest tube is in and it flows."

"She needs more volume, the blood loss is too high. Where are the damn blood bags."

"V-FIB!"

The monitor sound is going loud again and you feel two cold objects connect to your chest.

"Clear!"

Another shock races through your body and you feel every muscle convulse inside you.

"Still V-Fib! I charge again to 360. Clear!"

All of your fibers seem to be radiated from the jolt, as you feel your body relaxing again. It is odd, you can't feel any pain right now, your body is a mess you think, how could it be? The only thing your are feeling is coldness. If you could, you would shiver.

"Sinus-tachycardia! There you go!"

"Check for pulses."

"Got a weak one on the femoral artery."

"Good, what is the BP?"

"73/42"

"Alright, ventilation?"

"She needs still a lot of pressure, there is too much fluid inside."

"Lets get her ready for the OR! Make a blood gas analysis, Glenn."

There are a lot people working frantically around you. You can feel their touches on you, moving around, adjusting tubes and wires, you guess and examine your shattered body. You must be in the E.R. , but you miss the time from the ambulance until now. What was happening? They performed CPR... you were dead! But how can you process the information you discover around you. Maybe, you think , you have disassociated, you are aware of your surroundings and hear them talk, but you still cannot respond. You feel how the air gets pressed into your lungs, followed by an odd feeling of gurgling inside you. Blood, there must be very much blood, the thick branch is still sticking inside your body.

"Kate, are your done with the central line? When you are finished, we are good to go. She won't become anymore further stable, than now."

"I'm almost in!"

A woman's voice is right on the right side of your head, obviously she is working on something, that is now, you believe inside your neck or shoulder. You can't put the finger on it. There is also something like a medical drape laying over your shoulder, neck and face.

"Alright guys, we are moving now, nice and easy, no rushing, mind the tubes and wires!"

You sense how the gurney, that you lie on, begins to move. New sounds are joining the now familiar ones. Then suddenly a voice breaks through the mumbling.

"Sir! You need to get back on your gurney! Sir! Please, you are badly injured, you have to lay down."

You hear steps of people come closer to your side.

"Jess, its ok, give him a moment."

You feel a particular hand connect with yours. The sensation of safety now engulfs you. Somehow you know now, everything is going to be alright.

"JJ..."

'Hotch!'

"JJ, please hold on!"

He is squeezing your hand, his voice is... different. You barely hear that voice. It is fueled with sadness, but also soft and caring. It pulls out all of your emotions, from your subconsciousness to the surface, that were buried under the other sensations of fighting for your life. You are incredible sad now, you want to cry, to hold Hotch in an embrace, to show him it is going to be ok. But you are stuck, captured in a broken body, that was moments ago not alive anymore. You are filled with emotions now, somehow your eyes are burning and you sense how they begin to water. But as moving the moment is, another voice cuts through it.

"Sir, we have to go now, she has to get to the OR."

You feel how Hotch's hand slowly slides away from yours. 'No! No... I don't want to be alone anymore.' You cry. You have to cry now, sobbing to relieve the emotional pressure that is welling inside you. But not even to that, your body is able to. The only response you got since you were brought back to life by the team of the E.R., were your watering eyes.

The intense feelings of the last minutes you try to deal with, become a dull pain, a dull emotional pain, that would rip your chest apart. But sadly it is already ripped apart. Your thoughts trail back to your surroundings again. It is cold. The movement stopped some moments ago, you hear them talking and hands are touching you.

"Alright guys, nice and easy as before. On my command. One...two...three."

You are lifted and placed down on an hard underground, you guess it is the OR table. The people around you are touching you everywhere again, you have the feeling your body isn't your own property anymore. Then you feel someone at the side of your head is suction you again, the breathing tube that is down your throat is moving slightly. A warm hand is touching your cheek.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm your anesthetist, you are going to be ok, alright? I suctioned your lung again, so that you can be better ventilated. You are bleeding a lot my dear. I'm now connecting my ventilator on your tube again."

You feel the person, who talked to you, gently replacing something on your breathing tube and you feel the precious air flowing into your lungs again. The hand returns to you cheek and it strokes also your forehead. Then something is affixed to your forehead with wires. More wires and tubes, you think.

"Ok sweetheart, I'm going on with the anesthesia now, you are going to sleep real deep."

Somehow you like that person, someone that is finally talking to you, as she would be aware of that you can hear her. She obviously fumbles with that thing that is connected to your neck/shoulder.

"Get some rest now, honey."

You feel a warm coziness filling your body. Drifting away, your head feels really heavy now, as someone would pull it down. Slowly the sounds are ebbing away, only muffled noise now. And then finally you feel...nothing...anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Hey! So sorry about the delay. But sometimes life is a b!tch, right? I got in the hospital too, for the first time in my life. So I was a little bit out of the possibility to update. But I'm doing ok right now, no worries. I'm home again. And here is another chapter for you and my friend KDMOSP. Please let me know how you think about it. Please review! Enjoy! (if you want to know anything about medical terms of the story pm me)**

There is something. You can sense it. You are aware that your mind is working again. But it is possible you are dead? You don't know. You try to concentrate, try to take anything what might be there. It is nearly impossible, you think, but you sense there is something you can hear. There is no sensation of your body, you don't feel anything right now, you are inside a all surrounding darkness. But you are not stupid, there was something like a sound. Regular. You wait. Eagerly.

And there it is. A small continued beeping. Very faint. And slowly you feel how you get more aware of you body. You are obviously lying in a bed. Heavy. Like the feeling you had, before it went dark. Like something is pulling you down. The beeping becomes more sensible. You can feel how air moves into your lungs, but you are doing nothing. You try to move a finger, but even with strong will you can't even move an inch. Again the air is pressed into you airways and you hear a hissing sound together with it.

You are in the ICU. It has to be. That is what happens to you right now. You are lying in the ICU, obviously surrounded with medical equipment and machines. You try to figure out what else is going on with your body. Again your lung is filled with oxygen. You haven't even the urge to breath, there is a tube down your throat, you can sense it now. It is an odd feeling, you don't even have to choke on it. Suddenly you hear a humming sound and something on your left arm is pressing on it. Blood pressure. Ok, that is familiar. Your excitement slowly settles down a bit. But still, you cannot move. You try to open your eyes. Nothing. It is like before it went dark, you can think and hear and feel, but you cannot do anything. Great. Not a condition you like.

There is some movement, you hear it, steps are coming closer. Somebody moves around your bed, you hear some different beeping, some sounds of equipment.

"Hey my dear, how are you feeling today? It is almost noon. It is beautiful weather outside. The sun is shining and we have the first snow."

'Snow?'

You feel how the woman is stroking your left hand and arm. Then something connects with your bare chest, it is cold. You almost want to jump at that sensation.

"Oh, we have to clear your airways again. Hold on."

The woman rummages around and you feel movement at the airway tube. Suction. You remember it.

"Ah, yes, there you go. I think that is a lot better."

'Yes. That feels better now. But snow?'

What the .. How much time went by? You cannot believe this. The nurse is still doing something with your ventilation tube as you hear new steps come closer.

"How is she doing?"

"No neurological signs of consciousness by now."

"Ok, I was expecting that. She needs more time. The results of the MRI should be back in an hour."

"Yes, her fever dropped to 101°, but she is still bad with her clearance, she might need another dialysis today."

"Alright, get one started. I will check her lab and will get back to you."

Your mind is racing. You cannot catch a clear thought. 'What is happening with me?' Fear and sadness mixed up are making their way up to the surface. You only want to cry right now. You cannot stand it anymore, unable to do anything. To be caught in your own body, unable to express anything, unable to communicate. It tears you apart. You don't want that anymore. This way of awareness is cruel, you endured it before, before that darkness you just woke up from. The steady beeping and the hissing of the ventilator are reminding you of the desperate on going of that situation. It won't stop. You are kept alive. Kept alive in that state. Then the woman, that must be the nurse, interrupts your thoughts. There is something big moved to the side of your bed, you hear the rolls of what must be a machine on the floor. The nurse is working at your side and you listen to every bit what you can get. Obviously she is unpacking equipment, you hear packaging wrapped open. Another person approaches and you hear the steps stopping beside your bed.

"Ok... uhm... lets see...potassium is 5.1 and her clearance is 4.1, you can keep the settings from last night I think."

"Almost done."

You hear the man coming closer to you.

"Hello Agent Jareau! How are you feeling?"

You feel how his hand connects with your shoulder.

"I will check your eyes now, don't be scared ok?"

It has to be the doctor, you think, as he lifts your right eye lid up and immediately your eye is burning at the sensation of the bright light that is shining into it. The same awful procedure happens to your left eye.

"Hmm no sign of a pupil reaction."

"Yeah I checked one hour ago, there wasn't one either."

"I think we have to wait a little bit further. The medication pump went off at 8 a.m., it takes time for the body to adjust."

"But it is still possible there will be no response at all anymore."

"Yes, I know, it is possible. But lets have some faith after all. We have to wait on the last MRI scans, I already paged Jerry from radiology."

"Did Agent Hotchner contacted you already today?"

"No, I assume he will come by today."

"Ah ok, I see."

'Hotch? Hotch! Where is he? Is he ok? He is injured!'

You want to jump out of the bed and run to Hotch right now. You need to see him. You don't even know where to search, but it doesn't matter. The urge of moving, running free to satisfy yourself with the energy that would run through your body... You are stuck. Caught in your own body. The sadness is building a lump in your throat. Your eyes are burning again. You want to hold Hotch now, want his presence near by you. Comfort. You need comfort more than ever. You are so alone. Like you are swimming in an ocean and you are lost, lost on your own. Not able to help yourself.

Again it is the doctor that touches you. Breaking you free from the miserable thoughts. You feel how he is touching you and obviously testing some reflexes with his medical hammer. It is an odd feeling, as your body is moved by another person. But when he steps to your right side it gets even more weird. He is doing something, but you can barely feel it. You sense how there is movement, but you cannot feel his touch on your body.

"Alright. Agent Jareau? Can you squeeze your hand for me?"

'Sure... It went so well the last time I tried to move any of my body parts.' You feel how his hand connects with your left. You try as hard as you can to move anything. But not even the little finger flinched.

"Ok, no response. We have to check again in two hours."

He pauses and you hear him managing something nearby.

"Betty, we have to adjust the catelochamines, I'm not satisfied with her CVP and her arterial pressure, on top with the next dialysis it will drop again."

"Yeah I checked that, I already adjusted it, but her fever takes its toll."

"Then reduce the volume in the dialysis, add some fluids. I will get back to you with the new orders."

"Yep, alright."

Fever, dialysis, arterial pressure, clearance, catelochamines? What is going on? You had a car accident. There is something going on like broken bones and bruises. You hit your head, that you are aware about. But dialysis. People with kidney failure need something like that. Why do you need that?

"Hey Jennifer."

You almost snap. The nurse is now close to you.

"I'm preparing you now to the dialysis machine again."

There is another person in the room now, close to you too. You didn't even notice until now. You were too distracted with this whole situation. You feel how a drape is laid over your left collarbone. There is obviously a bunch of I.V. lines, that is connected to the inside of your body, right at your left collarbone. You didn't sense it before. You feel and hear the two nurses fumbling around with tubes and wires.

"Ok hold on, Ben, arterial path now...right..."

"I start now."

"Yep... and the second. Alright, everything fine?"

"Flow is running, looks nice."

"Jennifer, you did great!"

"Everything is settled, do you need me for more?"

"No, thank you Ben."

You hear as the male nurse is leaving your side. Betty, who is obviously your nurse, is still by your side and you hear her adjusting something at the machine next to your bed. Then she leans over to you again and is gently stroking your arm.

"Ok honey, we just started your dialysis. I hope you will get better soon and you can open your eyes for me."

'That is an great idea!'

But your sarcasm doesn't last long. The medical machines remember you at your miserable situation right away, because your heart monitor is starting an alarm. If you could, you would flinch at that sound. Your memories aren't good with an alarm going off. Slight panic rises inside your chest. You almost expect the nurse to follow and get stressed. But nothing like that happens. You hear how the heart monitor goes silent again and the dialysis machine sending some confirmation sounds from buttons that are pushed. You are still tensed, waiting for something to happen. But there isn't happening anything. You start to relax again.

The nurse is moving to your right side and you hear how she is adjusting something on the machines. After that she touches your right shoulder and you can tell there are a lot of wires and tubes she is fumbling with. And then you feel that weird sensation again. The movement you barely can feel. Your arm. Oh God! You cannot feel your right arm. What is going on? Why ..?

"There you go, Jennifer, I will be right back, get some rest ok?"

'No no no no...Don't leave me alone. No! I can't feel my arm, what... there has to... no...'

You are crying... you need to cry... you want to sob to feel your tears rolling over your cheeks. The lump in your throat almost hurts, the pressure is almost not bearable. But the hissing ventilator is continuing the breathing rhythm without hesitation. Mechanically. Your breathing isn't erratic. You aren't sobbing. Your body is not crying. But your mind is. And it hurts. And again the air is flowing inside your lungs. Your eyes are burning right now. Wanting to release the tears. You want to scream, to fight. You want so eagerly to scream, to express your feelings, to shout it out.

"JJ."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N I know, it was cruel how I left you with the last chapter. But I was able to write a bit more. I did really hard on this one, I was stuck several times. That is the reason why the chapter isn't that long. Thank you for reading this story! I eagerly watch the traffic statistics and I am very happy about every single review, it keeps me going! So please review! Enjoy!**

'Hotch!'

He steps closer to your bed. His presence calms you down, instantly. You can smell his scent. There is finally a relief welling through your body. You are almost a little bit overexcited, this emotional roller coaster is playing with your mind. And then you feel how his hand connects with your left. A warm touch, reassuring, safe.

"Hey JJ."

'Oh Hotch... I am so glad you are here!'

His thumb is stroking the back of your hand. The warm feeling is now spreading through your body. The tension ebbs away. You would close your eyes now and sigh, if you could. Hotch then slowly lets your hand go and gently strokes some hair behind your ear. He cups your cheek with his hand moves his thumb soft over it.

"I'm here for you now."

He takes a chair and sits down by your side. You feel how both of his hands take yours in between. You almost forgot about your condition. About laying in the ICU, trapped in between countless tubes and wires, that are keeping your body alive. You almost forgot about not being able to express yourself, to tell somebody anything. But albeit his silence, his presence is all you need right now. It soothes you. His finger are slightly moving over yours. It is a peaceful moment. You let it take effect. Take all the pleasant sensations in.

"Agent Hotchner?"

It is Betty, your nurse. You feel a slight movement of his hand.

"How are you today?"

"Hey Betty, I'm okay."

"Agent Jareau is finally off sedation since this morning."

"Oh? That's a good news!"

"I know, right?"

"So it is possible now she could wake up?"

"Yes."

A little pause sets in. You feel how his hand tightens around your left. You almost sense the tension in the room.

"It is also possible, she won't wake up, Agent Hotchner."

You hear him shifting in his chair, as he speaks again, this time in your direction.

"Yes, I am aware of that possibility."

'Not waking up? What is going on?' You are left from the calm feeling. That is not possible. Not waking up, this would kill you, drive you crazy. Stuck in this state of mind. This is torture. You cannot believe this. You do not want believe this!

But at the same moment, you feel Hotch's thumb stroking over the back of your hand again.

"So are there any signs of waking up, yet?"

"No Sir, I'm sorry. The doctor was here 10 minutes ago and checked her reflexes."

"I want to see Dr. Coburn, can you send him in please?"

"Yes, of course, Agent Hotchner."

You hear how Betty leaves the room.

"JJ, you are doing great, do you hear me? Please... hold on! The team is missing you. Prentiss is driving me crazy, you should really come back, to talk to her."

'Missing me?' Snow...the team missing you... Wait. You are definite longer in that damn ICU than you realized, until now. How long? You cannot think straight. Emotions welling inside and up to the surface. You want to cry again. This is too much for you to take right now. The lump in your throat is back and hurts like hell. You eagerly want to swallow it down. But there is no response.

"Ah, Agent Hotchner, good to see you again. How are you?"

"Thanks, I'm ok. How is she doing?"

"Well, she is really tough, after all that happened the last weeks, she is struggling with a pneumonia again."

'Weeks? Oh my God...'

"Why is she on dialysis again? You said the lab it doing fine."

"Well, yes and no. She developed a high fever last night and we had to do another dialysis at night and now her kidney is still not doing a good job. We have to do another dialysis."

"Why does she have a fever?"

"Her pneumonia is bad. But the antibiotics are kicking in, her fever dropped today on 101°."

"Mhm, I see. So you stopped the sedation today. What is the MRI showing?"

"Her brain swelling is almost back to normal, so actually no swelling or bleeding anymore. That is good. So we decided to get her off the sedation to start the waking up process."

"But there are no signs of that, yet."

"No, I'm afraid not, I'm sorry. But it takes time, Agent Hotchner. Especially after a big trauma like that. It is even a miracle she is alive. She coded several times the last three weeks, not only on the way to the hospital. So we can't determine if there is any brain damage of the lack of oxygen or not. On top comes her head and brain injury. So as I told you before, we have to wait. I'm sorry."

While the doctor was speaking, you feel both of Hotch's hands holding your left hand determined, as if he doesn't want to let you go. You desperately want to squeeze and give him a touch, that will tell him you are here! You are aware! You want to hold him, want to communicate in some kind of way.

"When will she be able to get off the ventilator?"

"I'm afraid that will last very long. As I told you two weeks ago, she went in the acute respiratory distress syndrome. There will be a hard time to get her off the ventilation. But right now I can't see any chance to do so."

"Will she be able to recover from that?"

"You mean from the ARDS? Well, I assume it will take a really long time to recover. She is young, but the damage through the accident was very severe on her lung. So, I truly can't tell you if there will be a 100% recovery."

"So there is the possibility, that she can have a breathing disability?"

"Uhm... yes, I'm afraid so."

This is nothing but a nightmare you woke up to. Your body is a mess and you are kept alive with it. You possibly won't be able to breath properly anymore? You are young for gods sake! That can't be true. It is worse than you were aware of. With every hour you are awake, there is another nightmare rushing into your life. But what is left from your life? Right now you are depending on a ventilator and a machine that filters your blood for you. You can't feel your arm right now and your head and body were hit so badly, that they put you obviously in a coma for weeks.

Your emotions are taking over again. Even Hotch's reassuring hand cannot help you over this. You would lose it completely, if he wouldn't be here. But nevertheless this is too much, you can deal with right now. The pressure of your feelings, that want to escape into the world, are too much. You want to scream, to rumble, to express what is inside you.

But there is nothing... not even a faint flinch you can give them. You are lost.


	5. Chapter 5

It is the next morning. Hotch stayed almost the whole afternoon, did everything he could to sooth you, to calm you down, as if he was aware of your state of mind. When he left, you had to fight inside your little cage for not losing your mind. A numb feeling stayed. A numbness that swallows all other feelings. You guess your own mind tries to protect itself from this horrible experience. The doctor enters the room. You can determine Dr. Coburn through his walking and his shoes. But also he always greets you.

"Hello Agent Jareau, how are you today? I will draw some blood, to see if you need dialysis today, alright?"

Betty appears by your side and is checking your I.V. medication in this pump-tower you guess.

"Any signs of waking up today, Betty?"

"No, still nothing, Ewan, you will check soon, right?"

"Yeah after I will get the blood to the lab, I will test her neuro status."

"I think she will need dialysis again today, the blood gas analysis was not good earlier."

"Yeah I think so too. Maybe I will make some ultrasound later to check her kidney."

Somehow you are grateful for the chatter around you. It let you feel less alone. But nevertheless you are depressed and waiting for any sign that shows you that your body is still working. But right now, you are still depending on the ventilation, that supplies your lung with oxygen, in a steady never ending rhythm. After what feels like hours, Dr. Coburn returns with the lab results. You are already aware of the fact, that your sense of time is screwed. Your mind is exhausted by the ongoing stress that you have to endure.

"Alright, you were right Betty, another round today again. Almost same settings like yesterday, but take potassium 0.8 points down and the flow like 5% up."

"Every thing set."

"Can you send Coby in for me?"

"Yep, of course."

You hear how Dr. Coburn leaves the room and some moments later you hear a swift step approaching.

"Ah Betty my sweety, what've you got for me?"

Betty snorts and chuckles, as she is preparing the dialysis machine and the wires and tubes.

"Always the gentleman, Coby. You know I love ya, right?"

"My pleasure!"

Betty chuckles again.

"Please be gentle with her, she is really a poor thing."

"Yeah I know, she is sadly a permanent user of your gentleness. How long is she here now?"

"Tomorrow the 4th week starts."

"Oh god. So you wait for her to wake up, as I heard?"

"Yeah, the chatter already reached your section, huh?"

Coby chuckles.

"Oh yes, you know the ladies. But to work on your section today is really amazing, I missed you buddy."

"Yeah stop bootlicking me and prepare the set."

"Alway the boss, Betty."

You hear them working on your injection port on your left collarbone, like yesterday. Almost without one word, the two nurses finish to connect you to the dialysis machine.

"Alright, everything set, arterial flow is good, pump is moving. Thank you, Coby."

"Your welcome, angel."

"Oh get your ass out of here you cheese ball."

"Oh I'm running."

You hear his swift steps vanishing and listen to Betty's work. The head section of you bed moves up and Betty tries to shift your body a little.

"Ok Jennifer, I hope you feel comfortable. The dialysis is running now. Dr. Coburn will return any minute and test if you can show us some signs, ok? So get ready to impress us!"

'I will try!'

She leaves the room and you are alone again. Alone with the sounds of the machines, the slight gurgling of the dialysis, the hissing of the ventilation, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the faint hum of the medication pumps. The sound of the hallway and the rest of the ICU gets through to you from time to time. Voices and working sounds. Steps and shutting doors. One of the steps are growing louder. Dr. Coburn is returning.

"Hey there again. Alright Agent Jareau, I hope you did your exercises to show me some reactions.

I begin with your eyes again."

'No.. not again.'

But it already happens. The bright light is stinging in your eyes, on top Dr. Coburn flashes over your eye with a pen-light. Great. The procedure is repeated with the other eye.

"Ok so far. Your eyes are still sleeping, huh?"

You feel how he grabs your left hand and probably the right one too, but you can't feel it.

"Please squeeze my hands now, Jennifer."

You try as hard as you can to force your muscles to contract. But you fail, again.

"Alright, you are doing great. You will soon be able to squeeze my hand, I have faith in you."

'Yeah... I already heard that. If you believe so...'

You are depressed. You know there won't be any reaction from your body, to any of his tests, that he will do on your body. He also does test the reflexes and some other stuff. When he puts his stethoscope on your bare chest, you almost want to jump again. You hate that. It is cold and you have no warning before it comes.

"Ok, your lungs are not pretty, do you know that? We have to work on that one a little bit better!"

He moves the sheet over your bare chest again and begin to stroke your left arm.

"Alright Agent Jareau, I will see you later."

When you hear him leaving something stops his movement.

"Can I help you Ma'am?"

"Uhm..."

"Ah wait, you must be Agent Prentiss right? How could I forget, I had a week off, I'm sorry."

'Prentiss? Emily? No way, really? Emily please... help me!'

"Aw, don't be, it's alright. So, how is she today?"

"Well, she is doing ok. She is on dialysis again and she developed a pneumonia again. But Agent Jareau is off sedation since yesterday!"

"Yes, I heard that. That is great news. So I wanted to check on her by myself."

"You'd do that! She isn't showing any signs of waking up yet, but it is possible every minute, so be aware."

"Ah I see, I'm alert."

You hear his familiar walking sound leaving.

'Emily...!'

Emily is walking to your side of the bed. She is silent for moments.

'Em...say something!'

Finally you feel her hand connecting with your left, gently stroking it. Slowly the touch slides away and her hand is touching your face, tenderly she cups your cheek.

"Hey JJ."

'Oh Emily please help me! I need you to do something.'

The moments go by as she is stroking over your head, moves your hair behind your ear. Suddenly you hear a sob, followed by a sniff. That's not like Emily. It hurts you to hear her cry. The lump in your throat is there again. She is not crying loud, it is a silent, faint mourning sound.

"JJ."

You barely can hear her. She squeezes your hand again, as she sits down on the chair near by the bed.

"You have to wake up, JJ, do you hear me?"

'Emily I wish you could hear me, notice that I can hear you, that I am aware, that I want to wake up. I want nothing more than that in the world.'

"It's breaking my heart to see you like this. For weeks. This is not you. We need you back!'

On top on your own emotions, Emily's are making you more depressed than ever. You cannot bear to hear her like that. The strong woman you know, sitting sobbing, almost broken, by your side. But somehow you feel some kind of strength growing out of that moment. You want nothing more than to wake up, wake up to be able to be there for Emily, one of your best friends. It is breaking your heart, too, to hear her so helpless. As much helpless as you are. Sometimes life is a bitch. And then something happens that rips you out of every thought.

"JJ! Oh no, no, no... Please somebody help! Inside here, HELP!"

The heart monitor is going crazy, the ventilator is beeping in alarm. Your whole body is convulsing. Your mind gets dizzy, the sounds are just muffled ones. You cannot make out separate voices, but there are many as a matter of fact. You feel hands on you, somebody is shouting commands. But the seizure continues. You feel how an awful feeling returns, one that you dreaded before. Suffocating. The oxygen level is painfully dropping. The head section of your bed is lowered, somebody is attaching something to your ET-tube. But you are already gone very far. The darkness is pulling you down. The last thing you feel, how somebody is pressing on your chest again. It doesn't matter, you are finally in a peaceful state. You are free. Finally.

**A/N Uh Oh! Again a cliffhanger! :) I didn't mean to write it that way, well now it is done *evil grin* Because of the request to bring Emily in I did so. I love Emily too so it was for me easy to write. Thank you for your support, the reviews and reading this story! I really appreciate it! **


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Thank you for your reviews! I ended the last one with a cliffhanger that wasn't planned, so here comes what came next in my mind. Please review! Enjoy!

This happened before. It is weird. It is like a déja vu. You are surrounded by darkness. Numb. Everything is numb. Are you dead now? Why is your mind still functioning. You don't know. But as you are aware of something different, you recognized this situation. What happened? You can't hear anything. Or... do you? Wait. There it is again, like last time. A faint sound in the distance. You are confused, but try to gain anything that helps you to understand. Slowly your body sends you information about your condition. Are you lying? Yes, obviously still lying. Pain. You feel pain.

The last time you were able to feel pain was... Oh my god. What is going on? And then slow but steady you feel how you are starting to become more aware. Aware that your head hurts like hell. That you have something in your throat. But right after this sensation you feel slight panic rise in your gut. Breath, take a breath Jennifer. Your chest is following your command. You are stunned, but you are too busy to think about that. There is nor effect, no air. Then finally, air rushes in your lungs, you are relieved for a moment. But it was not your own body that transported the air into your lung. Right away after a short moment, the urge to take a breath is there again. The panic grows, you are tense, agitated. Almost automatic your arm starts to rise to get a grip on that damn tube. You are struggling, your arm feels really heavy. But then something else happens.

"JJ?!"

You know that voice...

'Hotch!'

The panic engulfs you. You feel how your body tries to struggle.

"JJ, please calm down! You are intubated and on ventilation!"

An alarm goes off. You know this sound. It is familiar to you. It feeds your panic even more. Your eyes still closed, your feel how Hotch is stopping your left hand from reaching the ET-tube. He places it in both of his hand and squeezes it slightly.

"Hold on JJ, please try to calm down."

"What is happening?"

You know that new voice from somewhere.

"I think she is waking up."

"Oh my... that is great."

'Really great... I have to get that damn thing out of my throat!'

Your body is still struggling and you are choking on that tube, trying to choke it out. The panic is pushing you forward, you can feel it through the exhaustion.

"Oh sweetheart... Jennifer? Can you hear me? You have to calm down. You are intubated, you are getting air through the tube in your throat."

"What's going on Betty?"

"Ewan, she is waking up, she fights the ET-tube."

"Sedate her."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes, this kind of struggle is not good right now. 3 mg Midazolam Betty."

"Alright."

"You are seriously sedating her? She is just waking up after 5 weeks! You cannot do that!"

You barely gather the conversation. The panic has you in its grip. Your chest is heaving eagerly to get some appreciated air into your lungs, despite the damn ventilator rhythm.

"Agent Hotchner, she has a panic attack now, I would rather give her another chance in a couple of hours to wake up under more controlled circumstances."

Hotch has still your hand tightly in his embrace, you feel him struggling with the doctor's decision. On the other side of the bed, Betty is working on what must be your central I.V. line. Hotch starts to stroke your cheek tenderly.

"It's gonna be alright, JJ. Try to calm down now, ok? I will be here when you wake up again. Don't worry."

A warm sensation spreads over your body. The need to choke ebbs away. Your hand feels heavier than before, Hotch has to hold it up completely. The ventilator is silenced now, takes over the breathing for you. The air is moving into your lungs, you notice how your body relaxes. Slowly you let yourself drift away. The sounds are barely to hear.

"Ok... she is out."

That is last you hear, when you fall completely limp and the darkness has you back again.

##

Voices. There are Voices. You remember. Your mind is gathering what is around you. Hospital. You are still in the hospital. The sound of beeping and the hissing of a ventilator get to your ears. You are incredible tired. Everything is fuzzy. But you are aware you are lying in an hospital bed. Then you have the urge to choke on the tube that is in your throat. That happened before. You feel somebody's hand on your left. The urge to choke develops in current action, your chest is heaving and your hand moves slightly, but is caught by the other hand immediately.

"JJ, eeeaasy, shhhh, it's alright. I'm here. JJ you are still intubated, try to relax ok?"

'Hotch!'

Instantly you try to open your eyes, but they are really heavy and you fail. But you try to get a grip on Hotch's hand, that is holding yours. And you manage a movement with your fingers.

"JJ, can you hear me?"

'Yes Hotch! Please help me!'

Again you try to squeeze his hand and finally there is a real reaction.

"Oh JJ! That is great. So listen to me. You are being ventilated. I know it is an odd feeling."

Still heaving your chest and choking on your tube, you try to listen to Hotch. Your small communication gave you enough assurance to hold on.

"Try to concentrate on the ventilation, like now … in... and out... in... and out."

To adapt to the rhythm isn't even that difficult and you manage to calm down. Hotch's starts stroking your arm.

"See, there you go."

The warning beeping of the heart monitor slows down and you feel how you start to relax. You hold your hand up to search Hotch's.

"I'm here JJ."

He engulfs your left hand with both of his. You almost want to cry in relief and feel how a faint lump in your throat is rising and your eyes begin to water. There are tears! You nearly can't believe it, your body is finally working, how it supposes to be! More tears are welling in your eyes and finally a drop is running down your cheek.

"It's ok JJ, I'm not going to leave you."

One hand of his releases his hold on your hand and Hotch is gently wiping your tear away.

"JJ? Can you open your eyes?"

'I will try again!'

You struggle. They are so heavy. You try to open them, but there is nothing more like a faint flutter. Then you hear someone coming.

"Dr. Coburn, Agent Jareau is awake. I got a respond from her."

"That is good news. Then lets see how she is doing."

You hear how Dr. Coburn is stepping to the side of your bed.

"Hello Agent Jareau, I'm Dr. Coburn. Can you squeeze your hands for me please?"

You squeeze as hard as you can.

"Alright, that was good. Please hold your left arm up as far as you can."

Your left arm feels still heavy, like every part of your body. Slowly you manage to hold it up.

"Thank you. Now the right arm."

Then it hits you. There was this time, you were aware of everything, lying in the ICU. Awful feelings are coming up right now. You weren't able to feel your right arm. That is still the case. As hard as you try, there is no reaction.

"Ok thank you. Please press your feet against my hands."

'Oh no...'

You don't even feeling your feet. This can't be true.

"Alright Agent Jareau, you did great. Now can you open your eyes for me please."

They begin to flutter, you try, and they flutter again. Some light is coming through your lids. And then finally you manage to open them. Everything is fuzzy and your eyes are burning. Blinking slowly the tears away, you open them a bit more. After some moments they are adapting and you can actually see something. It is your ET-tube and a large tube, that must be connected to the ventilator. Your gaze is wandering over to a large figure, black before the white wall. It is Hotch. He looks at you. You are blinking again, removing the rest fuzziness. After that you are able to see his face. He leans down to you and is stroking your arm.

"Welcome back, JJ."

And he smiles.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Hey, sorry for the big delay. I struggled with this chapter almost the entire time. There was some struggle in my life too, as always. Thank you for your reviews! So this is a bit short, because I was stuck! But now I will update it as it is, so enjoy it. Please review!**

The light is still stinging in your eyes and you blink the tears away that are welling. You try to focus on Hotch, on his face. You try to search some comfort. Scared, you are so damn scared of the reality that is now surrounding you. You didn't just opened your eyes, you open your eyes to the reality. But right as the fear and slight panic rushes through your stomach, Hotch must have seen it in your eyes. He takes your hand and squeezes it gently. You blink again, a tear is rolling down your cheek. His smile vanishes and a deep caring look is on his face now. He cups your hand with his second.

"It's ok JJ, you can let it go. You can relax. You won't be alone."

A slight movement from the other side of the bed gets your attention. It is the doctor. Your look shifts from Hotch reassuring face to the doctor.

"Agent Jareau, are you in any pain?"

And then you recognize you are. You are in pain. But all the other sensation made it less noticeable. It is your head that hurts. Actually it is bad. You blink, slowly you start to rise your left hand that is still in between Hotch's hands. He releases yours and you recognize his concerned look. You close your eyes and manage to rise your hand to the head.

"What it is JJ?"

"Agent Jareau, does your head hurt?"

Slowly you open your eyes again and you manage to nod slightly. Your hand stopped in the middle on the way to the head. Now you can see that your left hand, wrist and arm is connected to multiple tubes and wires. Reality. It hurts, it is uncomfortable and you are caught.

"Alright Agent Jareau, can you tell me how bad it hurts on a scale from 0-5? Sign with your fingers please."

You manage to show your score.

"Four?"

You nod.

"Alright. Do you have any other pain elsewhere?"

Slowly you can shake your head, but very slightly.

"Agent Jareau, I will give you some meds that will help to ease the pain ok?"

You close your eyes again to get the burning under control. Then Hotch cups your hand again and strokes it gently. You just want to sleep again, get away from the reality. But somehow the touch of Hotch's hand gives you a feeling from safety.

"Agent Jareau?"

The pain is now radiating through your head, after the bright light it seems to be worse. You keep your eyes closes, you even squeeze your eyes shut.

"Jennifer? Can you open your eyes for me again?"

The damn ventilation is bothering you again, you want to breath the pain away, but you are stuck in a never ending rhythm. So you notice how you begin to fight the incoming ventilation. You are so tired and you don't have the strength to struggle again.

"JJ?"

This time it is Hotch, who tries to reach you through the fog of pain and discomfort. You feel how his hand connects to your cheek.

"JJ, try to open your eyes again. Can you do that for me?"

This time his voice is really gently, you cannot remember that he ever used it to address you. The touch of his hand and his smoothing voice are calming you down. You manage to even your struggle with the ventilation rhythm again and adjusting it so that the current alarm of the machine stops. Someone is working on your central line, you feel some touching on your right neck.

"Agent Jareau, I'm injecting some pain killer now into your central line, it will help you feel better."

Hotch continues to stroke your cheek, slowly his hands connect with your left shoulder and his thumb is moving over your bare skin. The effect of the pain medication is washing over you. They are really working fast. You feel how that awful headache ebbs down to a dull throbbing. After some moments your eyes open again. The deep brown caring eyes of him are watching you. The eyes of Hotch, he smiles slightly, but his expression is concern. You blink.

"Are the pain meds working already?"

With a small nod you switch your gaze to the doctor, that is standing on the right side of the bed.

"Alright Agent Jareau, I want you to follow my finger please."

The small exercise makes your eyes burn again and you have to blink.

"Thank you. You did great. I will give you two some privacy now."

With that the doctor leaves the room. After a moment eyes closed, to ease the sensations, you turn to Hotch again. He looks down on you and his eyes are obviously searching something. You have to blink again, you are really tired, but you want to communicate with Hotch.

"I guess you already figured it out you are in the hospital. Actually in the ICU."

With a nodding sign, you search his hand with yours again. He encloses it, with his warm and soft hands. You connect with his eyes and try to ask with your eyes the all consuming question: 'How long?'

After a moment you know he understands.

"JJ."

Pleading, as far as you can, you try to signal him how bad you want the information.

"JJ, it is four weeks now. The accident was almost five weeks ago."

Your eyes closing you feel how the tears are welling up again. One is rolling down your cheek.

"It was close JJ. Very close. We almost lost you, not just once. There were more than one critical moment. You fought! You fought for your life JJ! You did great, you know that?"

You open your eyes again and look into Hotch's. Relief and hope is drawn over his face. Somehow you feel how it connects with you. You are alive! But for what price. You blink again and lower your look, but look up again to search his eyes. Then you try to tell him you want to know how you are, what about your sensation, you cannot feel your legs or your right arm. You release your left hand from his and touch your stomach, your right arm and make a sign to your legs. Slowly, but you can manage it. He sighs and his reassuring look fades slightly. His gazes lowers to his hands as he tries to form any words for this. After your gazes meet again, he takes your hand again, squeezing it tightly.

"You lost your right kidney because of the impact of the thick branch. That's why you were on dialysis, because your one left kidney wasn't able to do this amount of work."

He pauses.

"You have a persisting bleeding in the brain, you weren't stable enough to perform brain surgery and it wasn't showing any symptoms. The bleeding stopped, but it is still dangerous, because it can start again. That's why you were kept in a coma for that long time, to make sure it heals properly. But last week you had a seizure, so the doctors were not sure if it was because of the bleeding."

It is somehow odd to hear these things about yourself. You are really tired and close your eyes again. There was so much time passing by and you have no idea what happened. Just cut out of your life. A white spot on your map of life. You open your eyes and look right into Hotch's eyes.

He actually blinks and lowers his look. Stroking your hand as he continues.

"JJ... during that accident your spine was damaged."

You don't need to hear more. As you close your eyes, the water of the tears are streaming down your cheeks. You knew it.

"JJ, listen! The doctors said they aren't sure if it is permanent, they wanted to wait until you wake up. They repaired the damage as far as they could, but there is still a swelling. Your whole body is still in recovery."

Blinking the tears away, you sign Hotch you want to know what is going on with your right arm.

"Honestly I don't know JJ. Until you woke up, we didn't know you had a problem with your arm. It was severely damaged during the accident. The right side of the car was crushed into your side. So beside the thick branch, it was a major reason for your injuries."

You nod slightly. Too tired to hold on, your eyes close slowly almost by themselves. The sleep wants you back, you feel it. You manage to squeeze Hotch gently to reassure him you understood. But after that your mind drifts away into the dreamworld.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Hey, thank you for your reviews! This chapter will be a lighter one. I hope I still can enjoy you and that it doesn't get boring. Please review what you think and what you want to read. Maybe I can work it in in my next chapter. Have fun! **

"Yes, she woke up, but she is still on ventilation...she is sleeping right now... yes...she is doing ok so far...very weak though..."

It is Hotch talking. You hear him, you are half awake, your eyes still closed. You must have been asleep for a while. He talked to you probably already some time ago.

"...alright Prentiss, I'll keep you informed."

'Emily?'

But you hear how Hotch sighs and moves closer to your bed again. It must have been a phone call. The steady beeping of the machines and the hissing of the ventilation are the only sounds in the room. But you can almost feel how Hotch is watching you. Then you feel his hand gently squeezing yours. Slowly your eye lids begin to flutter. You blink and manage to open them. His thumb is stroking over the back of your hand. There it is, a rare, faint Hotch smile. The brown caring eyes are settled on your face.

"Hey."

You squeeze his hand back as a respond and blink.

"How are you feeling?"

'How am I feeling?'

You don't know, too tired to even aware of your body. But then you notice you are actually free of pain. You nod slightly.

"So, no pain?"

Shaking your head slightly, you close your eyes again. They are really heavy.

"That's great. So the pain medication is working. They set up a higher dose on the pump. That is probably the reason why you are so tired, aren't you?"

With opening your eyes you look at him and try to smile with your eyes as far as you can. And again, his lips form to a friendly smile. With this view in mind you close your eyes again and sleep overcomes you again.

##

"….potassium level 4.2 , haematocrit is still under level...arterial pressure is …...yes...MRI scan scheduled...Dr. Mouladi has ….alright...what about..."

There are pieces of words and sentences reaching you. Sounds, voices. Then it fades away again. But then you feel something cold on your chest and you are ripped out of you dimmed world of faint sensations. You twitch with your left arm. Then you can make out that there are several people in the room and around your bed. What is going on? Slowly you manage to open your eyes. Your most important communication tool right now.

"Well, great you can join us Agent Jareau. How are you feeling?"

It is your doctor that is speaking to you. Dr. Coburn. He is the one with the stethoscope that is right now connected with your chest. He leans over you and is smiling. You nod slightly.

"So you are still free of pain, that is great. We will adjust your ventilation to another mode, so that you can decide when you want to take a breath, do you understand?"

Nodding again you switch your gaze over to the other people. There is Betty, your nurse and a bunch of strangers you don't recognize.

"Alright. Mrs. Jareau please squeeze my hands as tight as you can."

You know that exercise. But still you can't feel the touch of his hand on your right hand. After the neurological examination, Dr. Coburn addresses you again.

"Agent Hotcher told me, he informed you about your main injuries."

You nod.

"Agent Jareau, I want to point out, that we cannot determine if you are going to be paralyzed. There is still a swelling in the injured area, that makes it impossible to tell. We have to wait until the swelling is gone."

He stops for a short moment to let you process the information. 'So am I going to be able to walk again?' But you have no time to think about that, because the next issue is being addressed.

"You can't feel or move your right arm, so we are going to make some tests and scans today, and with that we are going to make a current scan of your brain. Last week there was a little swelling going on, but we are convinced, that the swelling and the resulting seizure are because of the emergency dialysis. But to be sure, we will make some tests to verify that today."

He pauses.

"So there will be a lot going on today, but we will make sure you are doing fine, alright?"

You blink and nod. With these last words, he strokes gently over your shoulder and leaves the room with the others. That was very much information. Your mind is racing as fast as your condition it allows. But you are disturbed by Betty, who is rejoining you.

"Hey honey. That was pretty much input huh?"

She smiles and is checking on your central line, switching and pressing some buttons on your medication pumps.

"I will adjust your ventilation now ok? It will help you to wean off. To get off the ventilation and so start breathing on your own again."

You nod and watch how she walks over to the ventilation machine and is touching some settings into the program on the screen.

After a moment she is watching you and you are waiting for any change. And then you feel how the next ventilation push is missing. A short jolt of panic rushes through your stomach. You are suffocating again! No! But almost at the same time you feel how your body requires the air and you try to suck in some air, desperately. Not awaiting a change, you are surprised when it works. You are getting air inside by yourself, but at the same time you feel how the machine supports you and pushes some more air inside your lungs. That is crazy. This kind of emotional peak every time is wearing you out. You close your eyes and try to calm down your heart rate. Betty was the whole time by your side, trying to support you and told you what is happening. But you were in your own world again, trying to cope with this huge issue, that is called your life now. A small tear is rolling down your cheek. An evidence of your struggle, of your fight with the most normal things of the world, like breathing.

You finally notice how Betty tries to reach you and tries to get a respond of you.

"Jennifer?"

Finally you manage to calm down completely, well, as far as you can. You open your eyes. A concerned looking nurse is watching your reaction.

"You did great, honey!"

There is barely time for the moment to settle down, when another nurse and a younger doctor walk into the room.

"Ok, we are recalled for MRI."

And with that the staff begins to work on you and your machines. In between Betty manages to explain to you.

"JJ, we are moving you to the MRI now, we have to prepare you and all the machines for transport. That will take a while."

You nod and begin to watch them working. It doesn't last long, you feel the exhaustion overcoming you again. You start to blink several times, try to stay awake. Some how, you have the impression they gave you something to sleep. You don't care. You welcome the rest and the silence after all that stress. Even though it wasn't much time you were awake. But you have no energy to think about that and you drift into sleep.

###

"...Shh not so loud... you will wake her up Em..."

"What?! Who is babbling all the time, Pen."

"Ladies? Behave please. You know that she is in a weak condition."

"You hear the bossman, behave yourself!"

"Don't we want to have her awake anyway? I mean I watched her sleeping for enough time."

"Yeah, good point."

Slowly you process what is reaching your brain. Still sleepy, you are in no state to respond.

"...what ya saying?..."

"I mean will she will understand me?"

"Of course Garcia, she didn't lost her mind. She just can't speak right now, that's all."

"Oh. Right."

"Oh Pen, sometimes you are really too naïve for this world, aren't you."

"You guys don't understand..."

Finally your mind is working the incoming information. Emily. Penelope. They are here. Right beside you, talking. Slowly the fog is ebbing away and you have the urge to open your eyes.

"JJ?"

'Pen?'

Oh my god, she is really here.

"Common JJ, it's time to wake up for us!"

'Emily!'

The touch of a hand is connecting with your left. A soft skin. Not Hotch's. You slightly squeeze as a respond. Still to worn out to open your eyes, they are too heavy.

"Hey sweetheart, you can hear me right?"

It is Garcia, that is touching you. Some light is coming through your eye lids. Then you manage to open them completely.

"Oh JJ! I'm soo glad you are awake."

You blink. There. Next to the towers of machines, pumps and medical equipment is Garcia, smiling at you. Sniffing with tears in her eyes.

"Hey there!"

You squeeze your hand again responding. You are really happy to see her. But then you move your look to the other side of the bed. Black hair, black suit and deep brown caring eyes are watching you. She blinks. Some tears are forming in her eyes too. A smile runs over her face.

"Hey JJ!"

'Oh Emily, I wish I could talk to you right now, touch you, hug you in a tight embrace!'

She begins to stroke some of your hair behind your ear and cups your cheek with her hand.

"I missed you too!"

Obviously your look did say more than thousand words. Relief is washing over you. This moment is relieving. The anxiety is gone at this moment. You blink at the gaze of Emily. Then you recognize you are crying too. Some tears are running down. Gently Emily is wiping them away with her thumb. Silence settles in, beside the familiar beeping and sounds of the monitors and the ventilator.

"So how are you feeling, sugardrop."

You turn your head slowly to Garcia again and nod slightly. Closing your eyes, you almost want to sigh. The new adaptive ventilation is a real improvement and you don't feel that dependent anymore. But you don't have to express yourself more, Garcia got your face expression right.

"That is great."

She smiles. You feel how tired you are, still. There is not much time for you to be awake every time. Your body takes what it needs. You cannot fight it. You take a quick look around and find Hotch standing in the background leaning at the wall. Your eyes meet. He knows.

"Alright. I think that is enough, she is still very tired. Lets give her some rest."

If you could you would smile, but you watch Hotch's face and you can tell there was a twitch from his lips.

"Ok hon, hang in there. You are not alone, you know that right?"

After Garcia, Emily leans over to you and kisses your forehead. She smiles, cups your cheek one last time and stroke gently over your head. You blink as respond. The two woman leave the room. Hotch follows them, but turns around before the door.

"Get some rest."

Now, he is showing you a gentle and reassuring smile. Everything is going to be alright.


End file.
